A Heart is Always Heavier in Pieces

Introduction

“A heart is always heavier in pieces.”

These words echoed in my mind as a younger me contemplated leaving my school of ten years. This place was my kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, and high school. Soon I would leave all my friends to begin college at a place where I knew no one and no one knew me. Within the next year the rest of my friends would graduate and leave to study at their own colleges, in their own respective states, and, the lockdown of 2020 loomed in the near future. The past few years have been lonesome, and creases of joy around my eyes seem to fade with the friendships I have so cherished. The last chapter of my life has many tear stained pages, but with a global lockdown and fear ruling the lives of many, loneliness is not something I experience alone, no matter how much I wish it was. In such a time where loneliness is ubiquitous and love seems almost a harbored commodity it is now more than ever that we need to run to Christ, and understand just what loneliness really is and what the God of everyone has to say about it.

‍

Defining Loneliness

Loneliness is not spoken of very much explicitly in scriptures; it is neither condemned, nor praised. Through my study of scripture and reading what other believers have said in regard to this topic I have arrived at two conclusions: One, to a certain extent, I should never not be lonely this side of heaven. Two, loneliness is not necessarily evil, it can even be good. Before I explain my conclusions I think it would be helpful to define loneliness. Loneliness is a natural response of pain to the belief or recognition of being separated from a relationship, or relationships, which you were designed to enjoy. Loneliness is not being alone, and loneliness is not being single. Loneliness is a form of pain (Isaiah 53:3, note that ‘sorrows’ here in the Hebrew means pain). It is therefore a product of the fall, but is neither inherently good nor evil. Loneliness is natural. While free will plays a role in this emotion, left to its own it will cause pain. One may choose to suppress or indulge in their loneliness, but nonetheless it is a natural response of pain.

This pain comes because of separation from relationships you were designed to enjoy. Here I would like to distinguish between two types of relationships every human was designed to enjoy: relationships with other humans, and a relationship with God. The scriptures make it clear, we are made to love people and to love God (Matt 22:37–40). Genesis 1:27 tells us we have been created in the image of God Himself. God cannot be lonely, for He is a community within Himself. Being three persons, God cannot cease to have perfect fellowship within Himself and therefore cannot feel lonely. As Nabeel Qureshi puts it, “God is one in being, but three in person,” whereas Adam was one in being and one in person. He could not have fellowship within himself. God makes this fact abundantly clear to Adam by showing him all the animals and how they all have other creatures like them “But for Adam no suitable helper was found,” (Genesis 2:18–20 NIV). So God creates for Adam a woman. Here I think we must be careful. It would be easy to look at this account and think that our loneliness is solved by the simple addition of a person. “I wouldn’t be lonely if only I had a spouse, a best friend, or a girlfriend or boyfriend.” That is not true. You can be lonely in a crowd, lonely with a spouse, and lonely with loving friendships. I can remember fighting loneliness even while being surrounded by everyone I loved the most. I am not saying that having broken relationships with others is not a valid reason to be lonely; it is. I am saying ‘fixing’ those relationships would not fix your loneliness. Broken relationships with others are a reason, but not the only reason for loneliness.

The first reason for loneliness is our broken relationships with other people, but there is a second reason as well, and that is our broken relationship with God. There is a rift between us and God because we are sinners (Romans 3:23), and as long as we are sinners, that rift will remain. As children of Christ we are positionally righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21), but not completely practically righteous (1 John 1:8), and a holy God must shun evil (Habakkuk 1:13a). It is for this reason that our loneliness will never end in this life: The effects of sin extend past our salvation. Our relationships with others will never be perfect, for all men sin against each other, and our relationship with God will never be perfect, for all men sin against Him (Romans 3:23). This is why I say that to a certain extent, I can never be free from loneliness this side of heaven. I would even go so far as to say that in this life, it would be wrong for me to not feel lonely.

If loneliness is a natural response to separation from a relationship, then we should always feel lonely, for until we meet Christ face to face we will always be separated from Him to a degree (1 Corinthians 13:12). We live in a broken world, a perfect design which has been shattered by our sin, therefore we should always yearn for the perfection awaiting us in heaven, when our relationships with others and with God will be perfect once again. It is for this reason why loneliness is not wrong, but rather it is our response to it which tends so often to be just that. It is our response which is either sinful or righteous, either man focused or Christ focused.

‍

Responses to Loneliness

Our typical response to feeling lonely is to focus on ourselves. “I am so lonely. I miss my friends. I want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend.” Our response is so often focused only on us and what we want, at the expense of selfless love of others, and the glorification of God. Or worse, we accuse God of dealing with us unjustly. We cry, as Naomi did, “Call me Mara (Which means
bitter), because the Almighty has made my life very bitter,” (Ruth 1:20). We say in effect, “How dare the Almighty afflict me! Therefore I will afflict Him! If He is to deal bitterly with me then I shall deal bitterly with Him, for I am equally deserving of all goodness!” It is not so! God owes us no happiness in this life, and every good thing we experience is a gift not a wage (Romans 3:10–12, 6:23, James 1:17, John 16:33). We must not disdain God in our discomfort with His plan. We may not love the plan of God, but we must love the God of the plan (Matthew 22:36–37).

It is the a-typical response of the heart of man to glorify God, yet it is this unnatural act which God requires of everyone (Matthew 22:36–40). No matter the circumstance we must love God and love others. Our loneliness ought not drive us into ourselves, but rather to Christ and to others. If we are in pain because of our separation for relationships we were designed to enjoy then the obvious remedy is to close that gap. It is so easy to indulge in our own self pity, doing our absolute best to feel the depth and texture of our pain, but loneliness is like an indicator light in your car. If the check oil light comes on in your car you don’t just wallow in your need for oil, you get out and put more oil in the car. We may never be able to close the gap completely in this life, but it can be made smaller. Fellowship with believers, show unbelievers what it means to love selflessly even when you are so lonely, study God’s word that you may grow in love for Him, worship God and worship Him with others, pray, and meditate! Be social with others and be social with God.

I would like to focus us on the latter half of my previous statement. How are we to be social with a God who can seem so far? How is our heart to be changed from one focused on our own pain, to one focused on the glorification of God? In Christ we are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17), but we must still be sanctified. Our mind must still be renewed (Romans 12:1–2, Ephesians 4:17–24). How is this done? Colossians 1:9–10 says this, “For this reason also, since the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the full knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and multiplying in the full knowledge of God...” Here walking worthy, pleasing God, and bearing fruit are bookended by increasing in the knowledge of God; it is cyclical. You increase in knowledge of God causing you to walk worthy, please Him, bear fruit, and increase in knowledge of Him, which then causes you to walk worthy, pleasing Him, etc. Psalm 119 makes the point even more clear that it is not simply the storage of information regarding God which changes us, but what we do with it. We must meditate on the word of God, for that is what changes us (Psalm 119:9–16).

‍

Biblical Loneliness

We have examined the definition of loneliness, the morality of loneliness, responses to loneliness, and the remedy for loneliness. Let us shift then from orthodoxy to orthopraxis. What does it look like to deal with loneliness biblically? Are there any good examples of a biblical response to loneliness? We must look no further than our sympathetic High Priest Himself. Examine Christ during the week of His crucifixion. Jesus comes into Jerusalem praised and worshipped as a prophet (Matthew 21:8–11), but as the week went on all His brethren betrayed Him. After an unfair trial Jesus is sent to die on a cross amongst sinners (Matthew 26:57–68). While on the cross, after being betrayed by all His countrymen, His disciples, and bearing the sin of every human to ever live He says, “My friends, My countrymen, why have you forsaken Me?” No, almost perplexingly He says “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Betrayed by every human to ever live our Savior now has God Himself turn His back on Him; Jesus is more alone than anyone has ever been. He is alone, and He is lonely. Looking at Jesus’ crucifixion now can you see just how much of a factor loneliness plays in the account? Jesus was more lonely on the cross than you, or me, or anyone else could ever be. For to who else has God Himself said ‘I forsake you.’ We must remember this was said of Christ that it might not have to be said of us (Matthew 27:46, Hebrews 13:5b, 2 Corinthians 5:21). This aptly applies the concept of Christ being an empathetic High Priest directly to my life (Hebrews 4:15). Jesus was acquainted not just with a grief like mine, but a grief of greater agony, infinitely greater agony (Isaiah 53:3).

Knowing what was to come upon Him in His crucifixion Jesus did some things the night before which are of note. Jesus entered the garden knowing the pain which was set before Him, but He did not forget His Disciples. Examine Luke 22:40 and Mark 14:38 which tell us that Christ in the face of the greatest emotional, physical, and spiritual pain that was to ever be endured by any human being ever. With all that weight pushing His eyes inward, He looks at the sinners for whom He is to be slain and He continues to Shepard them. Pain often causes us to look at ourselves, and loneliness is no exception, yet in spite of that, Christ, in the midst of His petition to the Father, instructs His followers to watch His example and pray likewise, Pray that they not fall into temptation (Matthew 26:41). What a juxtaposition! Jesus is prostrate in agony communing with God and the Disciples prostrate asleep communing only with their own dreams (Matthew 26:39–40). Jesus seeing the pain and loneliness which was to befall Him, ran not to temporary fleeting relief as His Disciples did. Knowing the agony that He would endure on the cross He agonized in prayer! After paining through His praying and angel appears and comforts Him? No. After already being in pain an angel appears before our Savior and strengthens Him for even more fervent prayer. Therefore the scriptures say that only then, “And being in agony He was praying very fervently, and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground,” (Luke 22:44).

Jesus’ response to His impending loneliness is so freeing. The weight which He bore makes ours ever more light.
What an odd thing to think of, the Christ, the God Man Himself, praying, being social with God. At that, He was not just nonchalantly social with God. He did not just pray and commune flippantly with God, but He prayed with such grit, such fervor, such vigor, such pain that He began to bleed through His glands (Luke 22:44). Fascinating as well is what Jesus prays. If ever there was a perfect summary of perfect prayer it is this. Petition followed by submission (Matthew 26:39). Jesus despised what was to come (Hebrews 12:2). He did not look forward to the wrath alone, but the chasm- to-be as well. I do not think this can be overstated: Jesus was forsaken (Matthew 27:46). He was cleft from the Trinity and what He experienced was the hardest, most weighty aloneness and loneliness possible. How can the second person of the Trinity be forsaken by the others? How can God forsake Himself? This was an existential experience of a magnitude incomprehensible by the minds of men. My own loneliness looks ever more pale in contrast to the blackness of what our Savior endured, and this contrast shows as well Jesus’ heart of love and understanding (Hebrews 4:15). Who could understand loneliness more than Christ, for who has experienced it more thoroughly?

In light of His knowledge of the coming separation, His coming loneliness, it would appear almost oxymoronic for Jesus to do what He does. Jesus goes to a garden in the middle of the night, He brings His closest friends, and He separates Himself from them (Matthew 26:20–46). What?! “Jesus don’t you know that You will be forsaken, cut off from the Trinity? Would You not want to spend Your last hours surrounded with those You love the most?” Jesus chose a secluded place, at the most secluding time of day, only to separate Himself from the few He brought along with Him. While it may appear that Christ secluded Himself from those He loved the most, this is not in actuality what He did. Christ removed Himself a stones throw from the disciples, yes, but let us not forget for whom He left them to be with. Christ left the disciples to have a private, intimate prayer with the Father. After being social with people at the last supper, He went to be social with God in the garden. He was social with men while they were able, but in the dark hours of the night, when even His closest friends could not keep themselves from sleep to agonise with Him, He sought the one who cannot fail, who always has time for us, God (Mark 14:36–37, 1 Peter 3:12).

‍

Conclusion

We view loneliness like a disorder, an abnormality, or mality, but loneliness is none of these things. We can sin in our loneliness, or feel lonely because of sinful choices, but loneliness is not itself a sin. Loneliness is pain, a product of our fallen world and fallen state, and although pain is uncomfortable, it exists for a reason. Our loneliness screams out for a relationship that truly satisfies, just as the majesty of the mountains proclaim the even greater majesty of their Maker (Psalm 19:1). Loneliness is also not unrepresented in scripture; some examples include Adam, Eve, Noah, David, Paul, Jesus, and the list goes on. Loneliness is not necessarily a wrong response, in fact I think most of the times we feel lonely it is the correct response, but it is what we do with our loneliness which will either malign or glorify the name of God. Some people indulge in their loneliness, sinfully focusing on their own comfort and sorrow at the expense of the glory of God and the love of others. Yet still, some do not feel lonely enough, suppressing their innate yearning for a God Who loves them, and never allowing themselves to feel the unsatisfying effects of what sin has done to that relationship, because of just how painful it is. We are commanded to love God and glorify Him no matter what. Is your pain over a broken relationship with your Lord enough for you to further separate yourself from Him? Let me rephrase. When you are not social with God, and use the pain of your loneliness as an excuse for sin, you are refusing to love the very One for whom your heart aches.